I am not depressed

For a while I was a bit hesitant to say this, in case it should turn out not to be true, but I think I can now say truthfully, "I am not depressed." !!! How did that happen??!!

For about 40 years, it was off and on, or mostly a wintertime problem. I had coping strategies that helped somewhat. I wrote deliberately gloomy poetry, which sometimes turned out to be really funny, which drove away the gloom. (Wish I could find the poem about falling into a puddle and the fish in the puddle thought I was a weird fish with red hair.) Depression made me very unproductive at times, but in general I could carry on with my life, though sometimes in a very mediocre fashion.

Since being in Israel, being separated from my family and having increasing trouble with my feet, I have had more "reason" to be depressed (not that depression has anything to do with reason). I have tried to get by by simply working really hard (mostly study). I became increasingly determined to make life worth living, and not let anyone accuse me of being lazy or somehow bringing it on myself. So I did everything twice as fast and twice as hard, as if that would make up somehow for not having children and grandchildren nearby. (It doesn't, believe me.) So added to depression problems, there were panic attacks and palpitations and messed up sleep and RLS and RL-everything.

In prayer I thought about how Abraham prayed, how David prayed (and Asaph and Heman and Teman), and how Job prayed, and I prayed like that and I did some really good praying, you might say, but also some very bad praying, (like Job I should repent in dust and ashes) and once I even prayed that I would die, and once I thought I was dying, but I didn't, and other times I simply didn't pray.

And increasingly for eight years, it kept getting worse and worse, and I was starting to wonder, "What if something happens?" Not that I would "do" anything, but anything could "happen," and I wasn't sure what, except that it was obviously way over my head and out of my control. It got more and more impossible to hide it. So finally I mentioned the problem to a few people and asked them to pray and almost right away everything started turning around.

Put HALLELUJAH right here with colored lights and musical instruments.

There have been a few bad days since then, but nothing like before. This is unexplainable. There is only one way to explain it:

Psalm 18:
¹⁶ He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters.
¹⁷ He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.

Scottish metrical:
16 And from above the Lord sent down, and took me from below;
From many waters he me drew, which would me overflow.
17 He me relieved from my strong foes, and such as did me hate:
Because he saw that they for me too strong were, and too great.

Now I am trying to figure out how to cope with the NEW situation. Now it is not so much determination that I have, but enthusiasm. How to direct it I don't know. It is a new adventure.

Every day is a new day.