For a while I was a bit hesitant to say this, in case it should turn out not to be true, but I think I can now say truthfully, "I am not depressed." !!! How did that happen??!!
For about 40 years, it was off and on, or mostly a wintertime problem. I had coping strategies that helped somewhat. I wrote deliberately gloomy poetry, which sometimes turned out to be really funny, which drove away the gloom. (Wish I could find the poem about falling into a puddle and the fish in the puddle thought I was a weird fish with red hair.) Depression made me very unproductive at times, but in general I could carry on with my life, though sometimes in a very mediocre fashion.
Since being in Israel, being separated from my family and having increasing trouble with my feet, I have had more "reason" to be depressed (not that depression has anything to do with reason). I have tried to get by by simply working really hard (mostly study). I became increasingly determined to make life worth living, and not let anyone accuse me of being lazy or somehow bringing it on myself. So I did everything twice as fast and twice as hard, as if that would make up somehow for not having children and grandchildren nearby. (It doesn't, believe me.) So added to depression problems, there were panic attacks and palpitations and messed up sleep and RLS and RL-everything.
In prayer I thought about how Abraham prayed, how David prayed (and Asaph and Heman and Teman), and how Job prayed, and I prayed like that and I did some really good praying, you might say, but also some very bad praying, (like Job I should repent in dust and ashes) and once I even prayed that I would die, and once I thought I was dying, but I didn't, and other times I simply didn't pray.
And increasingly for eight years, it kept getting worse and worse, and I was starting to wonder, "What if something happens?" Not that I would "do" anything, but anything could "happen," and I wasn't sure what, except that it was obviously way over my head and out of my control. It got more and more impossible to hide it. So finally I mentioned the problem to a few people and asked them to pray and almost right away everything started turning around.
Put HALLELUJAH right here with colored lights and musical instruments.
There have been a few bad days since then, but nothing like before. This is unexplainable. There is only one way to explain it:
Psalm 18:
16 He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me.
Scottish metrical:
16 And from above the Lord sent down, and took me from below;
From many waters he me drew, which would me overflow.
17 He me relieved from my strong foes, and such as did me hate:
Because he saw that they for me too strong were, and too great.
Now I am trying to figure out how to cope with the NEW situation. Now it is not so much determination that I have, but enthusiasm. How to direct it I don't know. It is a new adventure.
Every day is a new day.
June 30, 2016
May 10, 2016
More Caesarea
Another nice view of Caesarea. I think some of the white froth is caused by waves hitting lots of eroded building material from the ancient city.
Statice.
One of many headstones lying around. Glad I wasn't there when the columns under it fell down.
Statice.
One of many headstones lying around. Glad I wasn't there when the columns under it fell down.
May 7, 2016
Books: Cloudy with a Chance of Mulberries
Today has been cloudy and cool. And it's mulberry season. Mulberries come in purple and white. I've seen several people helping themselves to mulberries that grow wild here and there.
I found Jungle Book translated into Hebrew. I don't remember if I liked it in English or not. After reading the first chapter I decided to try something else.
So I tried Bambi. I really liked it in English. I read it when I was a child and cried myself sick when Gobo died. I read it again as an adult and it was even better (and not quite as sad). But after reading the first chapter in Hebrew, I decided to try something else.
So I tried The Prince and the Pauper. After one chapter, I think it's going to be good. It's about the right level for me, with only six words on the first page that I had to look up.
I have not yet mastered all the vocabulary in Little Princess, Doctor Doolittle, and Black Beauty. It's sad to realize I will never catch up in Hebrew to where I want to be, and I don't even really need to. I'm trying to let it go, with just a little time each day reading various things, including the manuals to appliances--do not use ladder as a bridge, do not connect cable with wet hands, do not eat the ice you take out of the freezer when you defrost it; or instructions on food and medicine--store in a cool, dark place, out of the reach of children, away from moisture; or recipes--bring to boil, cook over low heat. I hate trying to read utility bills or the news.
I found Jungle Book translated into Hebrew. I don't remember if I liked it in English or not. After reading the first chapter I decided to try something else.
So I tried Bambi. I really liked it in English. I read it when I was a child and cried myself sick when Gobo died. I read it again as an adult and it was even better (and not quite as sad). But after reading the first chapter in Hebrew, I decided to try something else.
So I tried The Prince and the Pauper. After one chapter, I think it's going to be good. It's about the right level for me, with only six words on the first page that I had to look up.
I have not yet mastered all the vocabulary in Little Princess, Doctor Doolittle, and Black Beauty. It's sad to realize I will never catch up in Hebrew to where I want to be, and I don't even really need to. I'm trying to let it go, with just a little time each day reading various things, including the manuals to appliances--do not use ladder as a bridge, do not connect cable with wet hands, do not eat the ice you take out of the freezer when you defrost it; or instructions on food and medicine--store in a cool, dark place, out of the reach of children, away from moisture; or recipes--bring to boil, cook over low heat. I hate trying to read utility bills or the news.
May 2, 2016
April 21, 2016
Summer, Passover, Easter, the Lord's Supper
Now I think you can call it summer. I got out the clothes I didn't wear during the winter because it was too cold, and now I can't wear them because it's too hot. Spring happened in there somewhere, but it wasn't much.
This week everyone is preparing for Passover. This includes both Jews and Christians. To keep Passover as the Jews do seems to me to be very complicated. To even briefly summarize what they do is so burdensome to the mind that I can't even begin. The way the Christians do it, it just means a Passover meal, where they serve some of the traditional foods, and make mention of Jewish traditions but explaining how Christians differ from it. Easter happens at a similar time of year, but calendars are complicated and I don't pay much attention to what day it is. People see similarities between Passover, Easter (for some, the Holy Week; for others, simply Resurrection Day) and the Lord's Supper.
I can't unravel all these. I try to understand how people think, but I don't really follow it. Some will tell you that Passover is the equivalent of Easter. Some say that Passover and the Lord's Supper are the same thing. Some Jewish Christians will go to both, others only to Passover.
Me, I celebrate the Lord's Supper when possible, and would be glad to do so every week if there were opportunity.
I have been to Christian Passover seders before, mainly for the social aspect of it, but it's a lot about food, which doesn't interest me, and it's usually crowded and noisy. So this year I am staying home, and not the least is that my conscience tells me to. Which makes it a lonely occasion, but what's new. I will enjoy the quiet.
This week everyone is preparing for Passover. This includes both Jews and Christians. To keep Passover as the Jews do seems to me to be very complicated. To even briefly summarize what they do is so burdensome to the mind that I can't even begin. The way the Christians do it, it just means a Passover meal, where they serve some of the traditional foods, and make mention of Jewish traditions but explaining how Christians differ from it. Easter happens at a similar time of year, but calendars are complicated and I don't pay much attention to what day it is. People see similarities between Passover, Easter (for some, the Holy Week; for others, simply Resurrection Day) and the Lord's Supper.
I can't unravel all these. I try to understand how people think, but I don't really follow it. Some will tell you that Passover is the equivalent of Easter. Some say that Passover and the Lord's Supper are the same thing. Some Jewish Christians will go to both, others only to Passover.
Me, I celebrate the Lord's Supper when possible, and would be glad to do so every week if there were opportunity.
I have been to Christian Passover seders before, mainly for the social aspect of it, but it's a lot about food, which doesn't interest me, and it's usually crowded and noisy. So this year I am staying home, and not the least is that my conscience tells me to. Which makes it a lonely occasion, but what's new. I will enjoy the quiet.
April 19, 2016
Doves and Pigeons
You can read about acts of terror on the news (one yesterday), but on this blog today I choose to write about something not so terrible. I don't feel particularly terrorized or afraid, just disturbed. But it is not just an incident that is disturbing, but conditions in the world and church, which will not be remedied until...until Messiah comes back? That's what a lot of people say. Which leaves room for a sort of hopeless attitude, as if nothing we do now is going to do much good anyway. That is not how I see it. Look at all the promises Jesus gave us about the Holy Spirit. Is the Holy Spirit somehow weaker than or inferior to Jesus?
But today I am thinking about birds. Last night, all through the night, crows were squawking loudly. And at daybreak many small birds were chirping, loud and shrill. I don't see a lot of birds from my window, but I hear them. (Not like in southern Indiana, where we saw many varieties every single day, just a few feet from the window--robins, juncos, nuthatches, brown creepers, cardinals, chickadees, blue jays, orioles, bluebirds, sparrows, doves, finches, starlings, wrens, and a woodpecker that always notified me when the feeder was empty. And there were hummingbirds at the hummingbird feeder. And down the street were indigo buntings, but they never came to my feeder. And warblers in the tops of trees. And a thrasher in the woods. And wood ducks on the pond, along with a green heron, a bittern, and sometimes visiting large herons. And swallows over the barn and in it, and red-wing blackbirds in the pasture. And owls hooting at night. Etc., etc., etc. Not to mention our own chickens and our neighbor's guinea hens.)
Here in Jerusalem I have seen only pigeons, crows, bulbuls, sparrows, hummingbirds (very iridescent black) -- [actually it's called Palestine sunbird, but it has a long curved beak and it hovers somewhat like a hummingbird], and bright green parrots. Flying overhead, at some distance, some kind of cranes. Maybe a couple others.
Lately doves have been hanging around, inspecting my balcony and my bedroom window, and trying to get through the lattice by the laundry room. They must be looking for nesting locations. One of the pigeons is gray and white-streaked, with purple and turquoise on its neck, and rusty-orange eyes. It is tempting to provide them with a nesting box or nesting materials. Or some kind of feeder, if there were a way to keep the crows out of it.
O that I had wings like a dove; I would fly away until I find rest.
But today I am thinking about birds. Last night, all through the night, crows were squawking loudly. And at daybreak many small birds were chirping, loud and shrill. I don't see a lot of birds from my window, but I hear them. (Not like in southern Indiana, where we saw many varieties every single day, just a few feet from the window--robins, juncos, nuthatches, brown creepers, cardinals, chickadees, blue jays, orioles, bluebirds, sparrows, doves, finches, starlings, wrens, and a woodpecker that always notified me when the feeder was empty. And there were hummingbirds at the hummingbird feeder. And down the street were indigo buntings, but they never came to my feeder. And warblers in the tops of trees. And a thrasher in the woods. And wood ducks on the pond, along with a green heron, a bittern, and sometimes visiting large herons. And swallows over the barn and in it, and red-wing blackbirds in the pasture. And owls hooting at night. Etc., etc., etc. Not to mention our own chickens and our neighbor's guinea hens.)
Here in Jerusalem I have seen only pigeons, crows, bulbuls, sparrows, hummingbirds (very iridescent black) -- [actually it's called Palestine sunbird, but it has a long curved beak and it hovers somewhat like a hummingbird], and bright green parrots. Flying overhead, at some distance, some kind of cranes. Maybe a couple others.
Lately doves have been hanging around, inspecting my balcony and my bedroom window, and trying to get through the lattice by the laundry room. They must be looking for nesting locations. One of the pigeons is gray and white-streaked, with purple and turquoise on its neck, and rusty-orange eyes. It is tempting to provide them with a nesting box or nesting materials. Or some kind of feeder, if there were a way to keep the crows out of it.
O that I had wings like a dove; I would fly away until I find rest.
O dass ich Flügel hätte
wie die Taube;
ich würde davonfliegen
bis ich Ruhe fände!
April 18, 2016
Terminology
Sunday, as usual, was a bit lonely (as are Fridays and most other days), but I listened to some pretty good sermons on-line.
There are some who are very particular about terminology. They don't like the term "church" or "Knesia," you have to say Kehila/assembly/congregation/body of Christ. Some don't say "Jesus", and don't like it when you do either (it's Yeshua). And you can't say Christian, you have to say Meshihi, (or maybe believer) and what is inferred by or from either depends on whom you are talking with.
The disciples were first called Christians at Antioch. Those were Jewish Christians. Greek speakers wouldn't have called them Meshihim. I speak English, but I read the New Testament, which was first written in Greek, and the Old Testament, which was first written in Hebrew. If I call myself Notsri, I might be taken for a Roman Catholic, so I prefer to say Protestant. But then Jesus was a Notsri, so I guess it doesn't really matter, except I wasn't born in Nazareth. If I say Protestant, they say, oh, you mean like Luther? who said some really bad things about Jews.
But the Roman Church is not wrong on every single point, neither was Luther. And if I say Reformed, all Reformed are not right on every single point, either.
So I guess I will just say I am a Christian, although that is a broad term.
I will not say I am proud of my Jewish heritage (I am not Jewish), neither will I say I am proud to be a Gentile. I am happy that God chose me, and it is all for the glory of Messiah/Jesus/Yeshua that he chooses both Gentiles and Jews. The word "proud" doesn't work here. To the extent that my ancestors/descendants were/are believers, I am happy for that, and for the promise "to you and your seed." But God works how he will, and he brings many from darkness into his marvelous light, and many of them are not from believing families.
There are some who are very particular about terminology. They don't like the term "church" or "Knesia," you have to say Kehila/assembly/congregation/body of Christ. Some don't say "Jesus", and don't like it when you do either (it's Yeshua). And you can't say Christian, you have to say Meshihi, (or maybe believer) and what is inferred by or from either depends on whom you are talking with.
The disciples were first called Christians at Antioch. Those were Jewish Christians. Greek speakers wouldn't have called them Meshihim. I speak English, but I read the New Testament, which was first written in Greek, and the Old Testament, which was first written in Hebrew. If I call myself Notsri, I might be taken for a Roman Catholic, so I prefer to say Protestant. But then Jesus was a Notsri, so I guess it doesn't really matter, except I wasn't born in Nazareth. If I say Protestant, they say, oh, you mean like Luther? who said some really bad things about Jews.
But the Roman Church is not wrong on every single point, neither was Luther. And if I say Reformed, all Reformed are not right on every single point, either.
So I guess I will just say I am a Christian, although that is a broad term.
I will not say I am proud of my Jewish heritage (I am not Jewish), neither will I say I am proud to be a Gentile. I am happy that God chose me, and it is all for the glory of Messiah/Jesus/Yeshua that he chooses both Gentiles and Jews. The word "proud" doesn't work here. To the extent that my ancestors/descendants were/are believers, I am happy for that, and for the promise "to you and your seed." But God works how he will, and he brings many from darkness into his marvelous light, and many of them are not from believing families.
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